By John Klima
Staff Writer

This is my last column. I'm serious this time. I've had it. After much speculation, many press conferences and so much anticipation, I'm finally calling it quits. It's time to hang up my pencil, throw out the keyboard and become a plumber. The money is probably better, too, and I might get my name on the back of a truck.

This is really it. I swear. I think. No, wait! I've changed my mind. I will write again! Definitely this year! Maybe not until June, and not until I get it written into my contract that I don't have to travel on days I don't write. And if I have to write that day, I have to be certain that I'm limited to 700 words or 100 pitches, whichever comes first. And if I do write again, I'll try not to be a distraction to the sports desk.

Sorry if you find my indecisiveness irritating, but lately I've been spending a lot of time listening to Roger Clemens and Brett Favre. Now, frankly, I can't decide what to do with myself. Actually, I have decided, but I won't tell you. And that's just the point.

What kind of culture do we live in when no news is news, when the fate of two guys who supposedly can't decide if they will play again is big news?

Favre said earlier in the off-season that he had "no doubt" he was coming back to the Packers for what seems like the fourth season after he should have retired in the first place. Then, in his first public comments last week since telling the Packers he would return for another season, he backpedaled like a guy without pass protection. And let's face it, if anyone would know what that's like, it would be Favre.

"I know I said that," Favre said. You have to wonder if there's a joke writer holding up cue cards in front of him. "But I hope you guys (read: 'pain in the tailpad reporters') will respect me (read: 'stop asking me.'). I'm going to play this year, give my best, and not talk about it."

Favre, fresh off reading Mark McGwire's "How to Ignore Reality," is forgetting something. For a guy who can make split-second decisions in the pocket, the lack of logic is luminous. If you don't want to be asked, make up your mind.

Unless, of course, he was holding back his decision for ulterior motives. Perhaps he wanted to see if the team will improve. Perhaps, he was waiting to see what Clemens would do. Perhaps, he was waiting for more money.

It's an odd scheme Clemens has pioneered, the kind of schism that details how professional athletes are treated so differently from other professions. Observant writer that I am, I thought I'd try that same ploy, threatening my own retirement until I get that provision to allow me to show my face in the office one day a week, the way Clemens showed up with Houston one day a week last year. So far, no good. I think I need 341 wins or 396 touchdown passes to pull this one off.

Give Clemens (or perhaps his agents) credit for creating this new form of negotiating. One must wonder if Favre and Clemens have long since made their decisions, but are using suspense (in Favre's case, using the drama built up by the very people he roped) as a negotiating tactic, stalling as a means to an end.

There's also a human element here. They are athletes and performers. What performer doesn't love being the center of attention? This is where Clemens and Favre share their common bond. For as much as they drag it out, there is no question that they love the drama. Can't wait to get home to watch SportsCenter to see what the yahoos are saying, can't wait to read Yahoo to see if they're a headline underneath the e-mail.

Favre, especially, gets bonus points for dragging his cleats. I'd rather watch "Bonds on Bonds." It takes an athlete with ego to match stature to milk the suspense for every dollar that it's worth. Acting is optional.

Favre and Clemens are greats partly because their hurried and instinctive decisions are so often correct. Perhaps they are making the right decision here. Maybe by not deciding, they really are deciding. Perhaps they do enjoy the attention their no-news indecisiveness creates. Perhaps they love it.

So will it be Clemens to Houston, Clemens to New York, Clemens to Boston or Clemens to Texas? Will it be Favre to Green Bay or Favre working the autograph circuit with former wrestler Sgt. Slaughter and the third baseman formerly known as Ron Cey? I've quit trying to figure it out.

But until Clemens and Favre decide, I can't make up my mind. The only thing certain is that I'm uncertain. If only I could get paid for it.