By John Klima
Staff Writer

COOPERSTOWN, September 30, 2057 – Come here, kid, and I’ll show you the greats. Before we go into the museum, you need to make sure you have your lab coat on, because it can get pretty nasty in here. Welcome to the 2007 wing of the Hall of Fame, where an asterisk just won’t do.

You’ll find the story of the game in here, and let me tell you, ‘07 was one for the ages. You never know who did what, but that’s not the point. Those days are gone. The fans kept coming, and baseball has never been stronger. People actually thought when Barry Bonds broke the all-time home run record, that somehow the integrity of the game would be compromised. But that was just an aberration. People don’t even remember that ’07 was the last year he was a Giant. They only remember that it was the year he hit his 756th home run.

I know that 756 home runs is a puny number, but it wasn’t back then. It took Alex Rodriguez, who got to 500 home runs in ’07 – look, the bat he used is right here – less than five years to pass that mark. We thought it was impressive when he got to 1,000 home runs, but then Ryan Braun – he came up in ’07 and mashed, here’s his batting gloves – became the second player to blast 1,000 career home runs.

Yeah, kid, times changed back in ’07. After a while, everyone started thinking that maybe it wasn’t all juice. Maybe we just got to a point where the hitters were better athletes, where they were pre-developed before they signed, so much so that baseball was right to do away with the minor leagues and scouts a few years back. Yeah, why pay for what the amateur world will do for you, right?

There was this guy, Craig Biggio, who got his 3,000th hit in ’07 and then called it a career. Good thing you’ve got your Hazardous Material Suit on because all the pine tar this guy dumped on his helmet doesn’t exactly decompose. This guy was a relic even when he played, doing things like running Hard 90s. The Dowd Report about Pete Rose is over there, he used to run Hard 90s. No, Rose is still not here, either. Sort of like ’07 Brewers.

Back in the day, you had to hit 500 home runs to make it into the Hall of Fame. That started to change in ’07. Jim Thome, he got there that year. Look, here’s the lineup card from that day. He hit a game-winning home run off a pitcher named Dustin Moseley, you can see his name on the lineup card. Thome hit what they used to call a “Walk-Off home run.” What’s that? Well, that was a lazy man’s way of calling it a “Game-Winning home run.” When MLB torpedoed ESPN in 2030, that phrase went away, as did that guy with the nicknames.

Now this guy over here, he never went away. That was Roger Clemens. This guy got league minimum, $6 million per month, but the only problem was it wasn’t the league minimum in ’07 the way it is now. The Yankees signed him that year, and he darn near fell apart.

Thankfully, Roger Clemens Surgery – the genetic limb therapy procedure developed in 2012 that allowed Clemens to come back AGAIN – allowed him to pitch until 2025 and win 512 games. The genetic clone of Cy Young, who was then pitching for the Dodgers (because who else would sign a 108-year-old right-hander) had a fit.

Tom Glavine, now here’s a guy who gave hitters fits. Here’s the ball from his 300th victory back in ’07. This guy threw nothing but change-ups and sliders and got away with it. That’s like the kid in the back of the class firing spit wads. He was one of the last 300-game winners. There aren’t too many left. When you build your game around offense, your parks around offense, give the hitters the entire plate – well, then, pitch ability can only get you so far in the history books.

Greg Maddux, he went in the history books in ’07, though it didn’t get as much attention as these records. Here’s the ball from his 10th victory that season, which was his 21st consecutive season with at least 10 wins. That broke Young’s mark. Cyber Young is still trying to get his record back, and thankfully, Baltimore is always hiring washed-up pitchers.

Now, before Global warming washed up San Diego, they used to have a team called the Padres and a closer, Trevor Hoffman. Here’s the hat he wore when he got his 500th save that year. That’s a record that has held up pretty well. It’s hard to find a pitcher who can maintain stuff for that long. Hoffman did it with a change-up, not a fastball, and that was as unique then as it is now.

Sammy Sosa, now there was a unique guy. He played until he was 60 – at least that’s how old he said he was. He played until he was so old that Cyber Satchel Paige thought he was lying about his age. Amazing what a solid performance on Capitol Hill can do for you. He hit his 600th home run in ’07, and somehow had 200 more left in him. We better keep moving away. Make sure your mask is sealed. Just keep moving right past the Scott Boras display. Don’t be too disturbed, the bills are supposed to be unmarked.

And now, kid, this is what I wanted you to see. It’s the baseball with an asterisk. It’s Bonds’ 756th home run ball. Some guy bought it at auction, held an Internet vote, and donated it to the Hall, which accepted the branded ball with a smile and has made millions charging admission to view it. Isn’t charity grand?

Anyhow, Bonds came back the next year and got 3,000 hits, but he never did win that World Series ring. They never did nail him on everything they said he did and it sure took him a long time to get into the Hall of Fame. The writers finally gave in. I mean, there were only three newspapers by the time Bonds got in, so all he had to do was make three writers happy, which are the first three he made happy in his whole life. But Barry, man, he was the best. That dude could do anything. Except cheered at Dodger Stadium.

What’s that kid? Yeah, go ahead breath it all in. That’s history you smell. Savor it. These people back in ’07, they have no idea how lucky they were.