By John Klima
Staff Writer

The pitcher in question is a right-hander with the absurdly morbid name of Jim Jones. You can practically hear the baseball people of 1897 bemoaning the lack of quality pitching and the red meat and mysterious tonics that were making the hitters unusually strong, forcing teams like the Louisville Colonels to run such sacrificial lambs to the altar.

Daniel Cabrera, Brian Burres, Rob Bell and Paul Shuey each had a very bad week Wednesday night when Texas beat Baltimore, 30-3, becoming the first team in 110 years to score 30 runs in a game. The Rangers pasted these poor saps with a historical hemorrhage so disastrous that it made their earned-run averages rise like cheap junk bonds at the closing bell. And if ever there was a game that needed a bell instead of nine innings, this was it.

As bad as their pitching lines were, the 20-year-old Jones had it worse. He was making his major league debut in relief on June 29, 1897 at West Side Park in Chicago, against the then-called Colts, who were busy running up a 36-7 score against the Louisville Colonels. Before Wednesday, they were the last team to score 30 runs in a single game.

Jones’ pitching line should bring some peace to Cabrera, Burres, Bell and Shuey. Jones gave up 19 hits, 22 runs (14 earned), walked five, struck out none in 6 2/3 innings. He finished the game with an ERA very close to the year, 18.90.

Jones got the point. He pulled a Rick Ankiel after the turn-of-the century and became a utility infielder for the 1901 and 1902 New York Giants. His only other pitching performance knocked his career ERA back to the Renaissance, 15.43.

So the Baltimore four weren’t as bad as the Louisville one. But it was close. You can call this game a historical freak of nature, but it also distinctly showed what both teams have been for years: the Rangers, a power-hungry team with no pitching; the Orioles, a nearly powerless team with never quite enough pitching. All of which adds up to the kind of box score that is sure to be saved for a very long time.

The Colts, for those of you scoring at home, were one of the many nicknames the Cubs had before they were called the Cubs. The wish-we-were-Cubs went through nicknames the way J. Edgar Hoover went through sundresses half-a-century later. In order, the Chicago-something-or-others were called the White Stockings, Colts, Black Stockings, Rainmakers, Orphans, Cowboys, Rough Riders, Remnants, Recruits, Panamas, Zephyrs, Nationals, Spuds and the Trojans. They settled on Cubs officially in 1907, proving that the franchise topped out at the end of the 19th century. The Cubs had 14 different nicknames and couldn’t win with any of them.

Chicago scored in every inning, with seven runs in the third, seven in the eighth and eight in the ninth. Keep in mind, this was six years before the first World Series, three years before the start of the modern era, and was supposed to be a precursor to the dead ball era.

The red meat and tonic must have paid off. Blame it on the clubhouse attendant who snitched.

What you can say about Wednesday’s embarrassment is that it is the rare meaningless game turned meaningful. Thirty runs is a safe number, round and strong, the kind that sticks in the memory.

On the bright side, the Orioles did put up five scoreless innings, but that was nothing that a nine-run sixth and a 10-run eighth couldn’t cure. They were at least better than Louisville in that regard.

It’s great to give saves, but has there ever been anything more humorous than giving one in a 30-3 game? But hey, when Wes Littleton entered the game in the seventh inning, he was asked to protect a 14-3 lead. Who says pitchers are coddled?

Baltimore pitchers certainly weren’t. Cabrera, who gave up six runs and nine hits in five innings, is turning into the newest Kerry Wood. When will they make him a closer? When exactly are the Orioles going to pull the ripcord on this guy with a fantastic arm but who throws strikes as often as a compulsive liar tells the truth?

It’s hard not to have some sympathy for Burres, who gave up eight earned runs and eight hits in 2/3 of a nine-run sixth inning. This is why you don’t use soft-throwing left-handers as anything other than left-handed relief specialists or back-of-the-rotation starters.

Dropping in a guy whose fastball doesn’t travel as quickly as Leo Mazzone picking up the phone to beg Bobby Cox for his old job back probably wasn’t the best idea.

Here’s betting that Mazzone retreated to a place where the cameras were not on him and let fly a beautiful profanity-laden tirade that must make him ask, for what must seem like the 700th time, why he left Atlanta.

That brings us to the crux of Baltimore’s problems. The day Manager Dave Trembley was given a contract extension for the 2008 season, his team went out and gave up 30 runs. That can’t be a good sign. If you say you can’t manage on the wrong side of a 27-run ballgame, I’d beg to differ.

Here’s a question for Trembley: don’t you have any utility guys who could have finished up?

Bell, who gave up seven runs and five hits in 1 1/3 innings, actually was once considered a hot pitching prospect.

What was the point of running Shuey to the mound, down 24-3, in the ninth? Did he need work that badly? Or are you trying to build the case to run him out of town? Every pitching staff has its lackeys, but didn’t the 10-spot in the 8th inning sort of indicate that it wasn’t his night?

Shuey, who this year made it back to the big leagues for the first time since 2003, worked two innings, gave up nine runs, seven hits and two home runs. His ERA soared to 9.49.

Meanwhile, the Rangers danced around the dugout and partied like it was 1999. Is whipping the Orioles an accomplishment?

Two funny things stick out of the Rangers’ box score. They scored 30 runs and their all-star shortstop Mike Young didn’t get one RBI, nor did the No. 7 hitter, Nelson Cruz, whose swing is longer than a jaw bridge.

The bottom two hitters in the order, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Ramon Vazquez, combined to go 8-for-12 with 14 RBIs.

Back in 1897, Chicago pitcher Nixey Callahan pitched a complete game, scattering seven runs and 10 hits. There is no record to indicate if he was throwing underhand. Maybe if he was, Cabrera, Burres, Bell and Shuey might want to try it. After all, Jim Jones threw overhand. Look where it got him.